The Big Day Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I am now seriously anxious about my surgery. I have trust in the doctor and all that, but I also have a mental health condition that makes certain things more difficult for me to cope with than the average person. (I have Borderline Personality Disorder.) I also can't take traditional medications for anxiety because I have opposite effects from them, they make me paranoid and extremely anxious/agitated.

When I had my last surgery they gave me anti-anxiety medication in the IV as part of the “anesthesia cocktail”. I never imagined they would give me that so I didn't mention my inability to take that type of drug. (Now I list them as allergies). The anxiety built in me all that day in the hospital. I had a bad reaction they kicked me out of the hospital in the middle of the night some time. I wasn't given any pain medications or even crutches! It was a traumatizing experience. I have to spend several days in the hospital this time. I am afraid of having another panic attack and being kicked out again because of it.

Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed with having MHE and a serious, disabling mental illness both. I feel like when I get control of the pain in one, the other one takes over. My therapist spent the last 2 sessions I had with him helping me develop a plan for dealing with my anxiety. After our conversation I loaded some guided meditation videos onto my phone, I am bringing my therapy workbook, a list of healthy coping skills and I am going to let the hospital staff know ahead of time about my anxiety issues. On Thursday, Friday and then starting again on Monday I will also have phone access to my therapist. I leave him a message and he gets back to me as soon as he can.

I am bringing my Kindle, which has about 600 books on it besides being a tablet. I will have my smart-phone, my journal and some resources to help me cope. Already packed in my bag are my own fuzzy blanket that I really love, a stuffed Tigger to remind me to stay positive and a stuffed doll my mom made for me called a “Dammit Doll”. The Dammit Doll is designed to hit non-living things with while yelling “Dammit, dammit, dammit”. Great for stress relief! In addition to all of that, my husband and I have been working on a plan for him to help me remember to breathe deeply when I start to feel stressed. I jokingly started calling him my Lamaze coach! I wish I could take my therapist with me to the hospital but I am very grateful to have such a supportive, loving husband by my side.

About 4 days ago the stress really got to me and I cried for about half an hour. It was during the conversation with my husband afterward that I realized it isn't really the actual surgery that has me anxious. It is being in the hospital after that is making me about to panic. That was an important distinction because it let me plan accordingly. Just having that realization eased some of the anxiety.

Along with my anxiety I also feel some anticipation. My legs are fairly crooked and as a young kid my classmates used to pick on me pretty bad about it. I used to fantasize all the time as a child about having straighter legs. I would dream about being a witch (like Samantha Stevens) and casting a spell on them, of finding a genie in a lamp (like "I Dream of Jeanie") to magically fix them. Once I got to be a little older I knew that there was no magic twitch of a nose or blinking nod was going to fix things. I stopped letting myself dream about it at all then, figuring that I was never going to be able to pay for a “cosmetic” procedure. I know that my legs can never be perfectly straight but I am really excited about it being straightened even just a little bit.

Time for me to finish packing, lay down for a few hours before I head for the hospital. I probably won’t get any sleep but figure I have plenty of time to sleep during surgery! Please keep me in your thoughts.